Not Funny

Dear Karen-

Neither of us has posted in a few days, and I have to be honest here. I got nuthin'. No witticisms, no clever remarks, no funny links, nada. In fact, at the moment, I'm feeling a lot of angst over the whole moving issue - not about moving, more about when it will ever happen. I'm feeling overwhelmed with all that needs to be done in this house and I would be quite happy to just hand it off exactly as is, minus our clothes, furniture and crafting supplies.

Here's hoping your outlook's a bit brighter than mine.

Love,
Julie

Brownies on a Plane

Dear Julie,

I spent 36 hours traveling for a 2.5 hour meeting in Phoenix (sandwiched in the middle seat, which I suspect is akin to purgatory). The flights were uneventful, expect for one odd event. On the flight from Altanta to Phoenix, a kind looking gentleman (probably in his early- to mid-50s) got up and started passing out brownines to the rows adjacent to his. I thought this was interesting and assumed they were all traveling together. But then he started to make his way toward the back of the plane. He stopped at every row, offering everyone brownies. People actually accepted his offer and he ran out of brownies. So what did he do? He went back to his seat, pulled out another container full of brownies, and proceeded to bestow brownies on the rest of the plane. Why do you suppose he had two containers full of brownies, anyway? Most perplexing...

Knowing me as you do, you know I didn't take a brownie. They were not hermetically sealed individually for safety and every grimey little hand that went into the container to retrieve a brownie just increased the odds of putting me in a bubble.

Grounded,
Karen

Did you slip me some Kool-Aid?

Dear Karen-

See what you have done to me?? Things to do (some of which are already checked off)...exercise as an actual scheduled appointment??

OK, OK...I did accept the Planner willingly. Eagerly, even, if I'm honest. I'm finding that it really does help keep me on track and I have become more productive since I started using it. I feel such freedom writing things down in my planner and not having to try to keep it all straight in my head! It may even help with some of my fitness goals, too, as I'm finding that I do tend to make myself go exercise if I have scheduled it into my day.

I do need to get back to my Values activities. I haven't finished those yet. Apparently I need to schedule time to do it and write it down.

Love,
Julie

Hello Mortification, my old friend.

Dear Karen-

All weekend I've been pondering the syntax of the idea I want to convey. The irony is that I think each version is just as applicable as the next.

Unfortunately, I caught a mortifying glimpse of my side fat rolls while getting dressed on Friday.

I caught an unfortunately mortifying glimpse of my side fat rolls while getting dressed on Friday.

I caught a mortifying glimpse of my unfortunate side fat rolls while getting dressed on Friday.

See? Each one equally as mortifying as the next. I am the walrus.

Pardon me while I heft my enormous girth into the other room now.

Love,
The Walrus

Good grief!

Dear Julie --

That last letter was distressing. I'm so glad you provided the link to Golgotha Biblical Mini-Golf, otherwise I would have accused you of making up such a wicked story. This is simply appalling!!! "Offbeat diversion" indeed. What's next? The Last Supper Drive-Thru ("I'll take a Judas burger with a side of betrayal and a Hershey's Kiss sundae")?

Pondering vacation options,
Karen

Oh No They Di'nt.

This really must be seen to be believed.

And I really do agree with the question posed in the feature: "how come no one ever builds an Islamic Jihad Mini-Golf?"

I Killed a Stress Ball Today

Dear Julie,

Love the polarized sunglasses. You go, girl! Now you can actually open your eyes all the way outside, which incidentally will help fight the appearance of fine lines and aging.

I ruptured a stress ball today in a Leadership Team meeting. I'm not really sure what that means, but I don't think it's a very good sign. I was sitting there squeezing furiously and all of a sudden, it broke open and spewed the liquid all over my shirt (my periwinkle blue Fresh Produce shirt, no less). I just sat there, stunned. It was like a scene from a horror movie (except getting drenched in stress ball juice was the extent of the horror). And then I began to laugh hysterically. I was excused to go change my clothes, but it kept us laughing all day. I wish you could have seen it!

Love,
Karen

PS: I was just looking closer at the picture you posted -- you're not gonna believe this, but I wore the very same earrings today!!! Jinxy.

$98 of Polarized Bliss

Dear Karen-

I finally bit the bullet and got prescription sunglasses today. Perhaps one day I'll be able to go back to wearing contacts again...I don't know. But enough with the suffering in sunlight already. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. The irony is that my customized-to-my-vision-needs glasses were far cheaper than the sunglasses my husband buys off the rack.

Here's to polarized lenses.

Love,
Julie

If Only I Had a Camera Phone

You know I yearn for a camera phone. And Friday night just proved the point that I really NEED one. Yes, need. We were on our way to our favorite local Mexican restaurant when my keen little eye spotted the most interesting van off to the right. It was a basic white van, but had the word POSEIDON emblazoned across the sides. Certainly eye-catching. But what intrigued me more was their phone number. As you can see in the above image from the Poseidon Seafood website, it's a basic 800-number, right? Well, what it wasn't quite the same on their van. Going for full eye-catching appeal, 1-800-333-2529 also translates to...

1-800-333-CLAW.

I really need that camera phone.

Hitchcock was on to something with "The Birds"

Dear Julie,

I'm sitting here watching basketball and I was thinking about birds. Or more specifically, house birds. I have an unnatural aversion to birds as pets. They are dirty and loud and they make a huge mess. And after watching Bobby Simone fall prey to some terrible aviary disease on NYPD Blue back in the day....I'm dead-set against pet birds. The Avian Bird Flu (just waiting to call it a pandemic) has certainly done nothing to change my position on house birds.

I saw a dead bird on Green Street last week. It was bright blue and incredibly creepy looking. I gave him a very wide berth and used hand sanitizer upon returning to my office.

May the bluebird of happiness never fly in your open window.

Love,
Karen

Socks on a Train

Dear Julie,

I'm still in Chicago. I watched a pay-per-view movie in the hotel today: Breach. It was about spys and selling secrets, so I was expecting at least a little intrigue. The only real intrigue was how they managed to strip out all of the intrigue from an espionage-type movie. I mean really, I just don't get it. Where's the fun in that? But it was still better than last week's Snakes on a Plane.

I spent the day with Lois and her darling kidlettes yesterday. We had a great visit and it was so fun to get reacquainted with Jacob & Hannah. They are adorable and Lois is an amazing Mom. I took the Metra train out to the suburbs and it was quite pleasant. I grooved to my iPod the whole way. There was an older gentleman sitting across the aisle from me. He had long gray hair pulled into a bushy ponytail and was wearing Birkenstocks with what I suspected were hand-knitted socks. The pattern was very interesting and I tried to take a stealth picture of them, but he was just a little too far away. I had an internal debate going about whether or not to just ask him if I could take a picture of his interesting socks, but he was pretty granola and I was afraid I might actually trigger a conversation if I did that and mostly I just wanted to be solitary (listening to The Girl From Ipanema). He got off at the Lombard station and that was that.

Hey, I saw the pix of the slugs on your Knitting Savant blog. Too cool! Did you round up the kids to go have a look-see?

Tomorrow evening I'm off to Kankakee for the rest of the week. I've had several people who were aghast that I wasn't with our Mother on Mother's Day. Funny thing....these same people were completely nonplussed when I told them that she was at DisneyWorld with me.

Gotta go watch sports (Jazz @ Golden State, to be exact).

Love,
Karen

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Dear Karen-

I'll admit it. I've been Grumpzilla the past few days, what with the combination of the cold and the lack of sleep. Then I was up for a few hours in the night last night with Natalie, who had an upset stomach. So let's just say that my attitude has been less than stellar.

Leave it to a 3-year-old to hit the nail right on the head. This afternoon Ethan looked at me and said, "Maybe 'morrow you should exercise to get some those fussies out of you."

Ahem. Point taken.

However, this is what happens when said exhausted 3-year-old finally slows down.

Love,
Grumpzilla

Blisters Trump Sinus Cavities

Dear Julie,

I see your cold and raise you a blister. It's not just any blister, mind you. It's a Sandal Blister. Right on the top of my foot. YOUCH. I was wondering this morning while doing my hair just how long it would take a person to die from an infected blister. That would be a horrible way to go.

Believe it or don't...I have been contemplating a neti pot of my own. (Just proving your assertion that we are so similar, yet so different.) My beloved hairdresser Jean recommended one some time ago. Jean (God love her) is pretty granola, so I was somewhat dubious. But then one of my colleagues from the Chicago campus was recently extolling the virtures of a neti pot and he's the antithesis of granola. I'm very concerned about the mechanics of it, though. It would be much better if I had a trusted, loved one to help flood my sinus cavities with saline. Did you make your own solution with salt or did you pony up for some pricey Dead Sea Salt solution? I think I'll wait to see how profound the changes are in your sinus cavities before I actually take the plunge. Please keep me posted.

I had an eggsalad sammich on white bread for lunch today. Very old school. I never buy white bread. It's a little scary waaaaay out here on the edge!

Laundry tonight. Dangerously close to the lesser panties and I'm fixinta leave town for 8 days. Hey, remember that picture of the underpants-shaped cheese? You should add it to this post!

Love,
Your sister

Always Finding a New Low

Dear Karen-

My, your hair looked lovely yesterday. So sorry to hear of your post office woes. I seem to have a love-hate relationship with the post office myself, so I can relate. Perhaps you should suggest to your local branch that they should look into a Seven Habits class.

I have a bit of a cold. It doesn't seem to be progressing into a sinus infection, so I'm thankful for that. Back in the day, my colds always did and I seem to be past that. Even so, this cold is just enough to make me feel icky. My ears are stuffy, my nose is stuffy, I'm sneezing and my eyes are running. I haven't taken any cold meds because they usually don't do much to make me feel better. However, I did make a trip to Walgreen's yesterday to purchase this:
That would be the SinuCleanse System. I'm not sure if I've sunk to a new low or if I've become so enlightened that I'm pushing the boundaries of traditional medicine. I do know that Oprah's good friend, Dr. Oz, highly recommends using this sort of thing.

I know several people who swear by nasal cleansing and they have all experienced a decrease in the number of colds, sinus infections and allergy issues since they started using the neti pot. I watched the video on the website a few times and wondered if I could really bring myself to do it. But I was feeling very brave (and stuffy) yesterday, so I decided to go for it.

Yes, the first time was as icky as I thought it would be. But I survived and my head did feel better yesterday afternoon. After doing a bit more reading on the SinuCleanse site, I realized that my head probably wasn't positioned quite right. So, armed with that information, I decided to try again before bed and after a few minor corrections, it was much less disgusting that time.

So there you have it. Do you think less of me?

Love,
Julie

Good Hair Day!

USPS: The Evil Empire?

Dear Julie,

Horrible experience with the US Postal Service today. And of course a giant line queued up behind me as I worked with the USPS lackey to seek first to understand, then be understood, which of course is Habit 5 of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It would have worked better if the USPS lackey had gone to the 7 Habits class, too. I think I need to go watch some fish swim around (calming).

Have a good day.
Love,
Your Sister

Ahh, Technology

Dear Karen-

I woke up this morning (much too early and not of my own free will, mind you) and realized that I could give your beloved Mikes a try, since you so graciously provided me with the local station info. Conveniently, there is a "Listen Live Now" option on their website, so settled in to hear the last hour of the Mikes. When the feed picked up, it was in the middle of a commercial - no big surprise. Then another commercial - again, no big surprise. Then like 5 more commercials. OK, now you're just wasting my time. Then I started to hear voices that did NOT sound like a commercial so I started paying attention again. However, I only heard about 30 seconds of them before another commercial interrupted a Mike mid-sentence. And not just any commercial...but the same commercial that was on when I started listening! followed by the same set of commercials I heard when I first tuned in!!

Much consternation ensued.

I stopped the feed, looked online to see if there were any other options for places I could listen live but ended up back at the same local station's website. For your sake, dear sister, I persevered and tried again. This time, no string of endless commercials! And the Mikes were talking! Taking calls, even. Then I realized that the callers were talking much more than either Mike, which decreased my interest level quite a bit. Also adding to my troubles was the fact that every second or third word cut out.

I shall try again tomorrow.

On a completely different note, I cleaned out the cabinet in the bathroom yesterday. You know...the one most women have to house various hair and beauty products...also the one where said hair and beauty products seem to reproduce at an alarming rate. With our recent Bare Minerals makeovers and cosmetics acquisitions, I needed to get rid of some things in order for my new beauty regime to fit in the cabinet. I hadn't really looked in that cabinet for quite some time - at least not a good thorough look, where you move things around and see what's lurking in the back.

I was amazed (and yet not) at the amount of old product (both hair and makeup) that I was able to throw out. Why do we keep it all? Have I really deluded myself into thinking I'm going to use that eyeshadow I bought three years ago that I never really liked in the first place? Anyway, I cleaned out the cabinet and now my new (and much better) products have a home.

How's it going with the eye shadow application, by the way?

Love,
Julie

P.S. I think Rainman made Mom nervous.

Rebuttal

Dear Julie,

You are being purposely obtuse. What you fail to understand is that Mike & Mike, while operating under the guise of sports, are truly entertainers. As I recall, you listen to those car guys on the radio (which I find utterly inconceivable, by the way). And honestly, do you know anything about the workings of a motor vehicle? This only reinforces my original supposition that if you would just try Mike & Mike, you would like them (Sam I am).

ESPN2....5 AM - 9 AM Central Time. WNFN-FM 106.7 in Nashville.

Why does Mom hate Rainman so much, anyway?

Love,
Karen

"I'm a Very Good Driver."

Dear Karen-

Just call me Raymond. A Knitting Savant, you say? I don't find that inflammatory, denigrating or derogatory, although it does imply that I have a certain lack of social skills. I'm not sure the comparison really holds true, though. For instance, I may know how many yards are in a skein of Trekking XXL sock yarn (459 yds, by the way), but if I were to drop all of my double-pointed needles on the floor, I would have no idea how many there were. I suppose I did take to knitting like a duck takes to water (who came up with that saying, anyway?), but I still hold that it is an acquired skill that anyone can learn - not an inherent talent. I just happen to have a very high interest in it, which leads me to keep trying new techniques - whereas the average casual knitter may simply never reach that level of obsession.

Now, I do have something to say about this whole Mike & Mike thing. I'm not opposed to watching or listening to them - it's just that I would be hopelessly lost since I don't follow enough sports to know what they are talking about...unless, however, they are actually light on sports conversation and have a liberal sprinkling of other random topics. But your comment that it wouldn't kill me to watch, because you watch me knit...well...I think you're comparing apples to oranges. Let me explain.

A more accurate comparison would be "it wouldn't kill you to watch a football game...after all, I watch you knit." Implying that I should watch Mike & Mike because you watch me knit would be like me telling you that you should listen to Brenda Dayne because I like college basketball. Listening to commentators implies that you have at least a basic knowledge of what they are talking about. Since I really only follow college basketball, I'm not sure how much pleasure I would derive from Mike & Mike.

Thoughts?

Love,
Julie

Mrs. Einstein, SoaP, Manicures, Interventions & ESPN

Dear Julie,

I can't believe you started out our correspondence with Albert Einstein. Talk about setting a high bar. Especially after my mental highlight from yesterday was watching the very bad, but aptly-named movie, Snakes on a Plane movie starring the talented Samuel L. Jackson. Anyway...I agree with your closing thought. I would have liked Mrs. Einstein, too. But honestly, don't you wonder if she truly loved Albert? Do you really think she would have let him leave the house with that hair if she truly loved him? I'm thinking she might have had some passive-agressive thing goin' on. "Albert, E might well equal MC(squared), but would you just empty the trash already?"

I went for a manicure last week. At a professional salon and everything. And I was immediately reminded why I do my own manicure. The polish job was simply dreadful. It looked like a crack-head with the shakes did my nails. So what was my response? Why, I paid the bill -- including a tip -- of course, and then went home that evening and re-did the polish myself. Why did I do that? Why didn't I walk up to the salon manager, hold up my grotesquely-polished nails and give her that you've-gotta-be-kiddin-me look? (Excuse me while i got beat myself up for being so spineless.) So...morale of the story: if you want something done right, just do it yourself. Unless it's cooking-related. Then by all means, outsource.

I described you yesterday as a Knitting Savant. Is that imflammatory, denigrating, or derogatory in any way? I hope not. You know I have high regard for your knitting prowess. (But if, on my next visit, I see a herd of naked sheep grazing peacefully in your backyard, I will be forced to do an intervention and you know it will be filmed and aired on that new reality Intervention show on A&E -- which I am delighted to report I have not added to my roster of must-see reality shows.)

I know this holds no interest for you, but Mike & Mike in the Morning moved into their new studio on ESPN Radio/ESPN2 this morning. It's so weird not to see them in a cramped space with cardboard cutouts & various knick-knacks strewn about the studio. You know that I wake up with them every morning. I think you would like them if you would only try them (a la Green Eggs & Ham). It wouldn't kill you to watch them just once, would it? After all, I watch you knit.

Have a good day, Chicken.

Love you.
Karen

P.S. - I did not dream about snakes OR planes last night.

Just the Two of Us

Karen and Julie.

An Elsa After My Own Heart

Dear Karen,

So I was spending some quality time with the new issue of the Digest when I stumbled across an interesting article on Einstein. I believe it was taken from the book Einstein: His Life and Universe by Walter Isaacson. (No, I'm not so well-versed in Einstein literature to just know that...it said so, right there on the page.) I was particularly interested in the article because of our recent foray to the Planetarium. Remember? The one where we decided after the fact that we weren't smart enough to have watched that movie about black holes? All that talk about Einstein and they never did clarify if his concepts were really verified or not...again, I assume that they were - after all, it was Einstein - but you just never know, eh?

I digress.

So I'm reading this article and rolling my eyes at the fact that Einstein "was overcome with happiness" when he succeeded at algebra. Heck, I woulda been too, had I ever succeeded at algebra. I woulda been all kinds of happy. But then I keep reading and they mention that at a press conference in the US in 1921, a reporter happened to ask Einstein's wife, Elsa, if she understood her husband's theories about relativity - to which she said,

"Oh no, it is not necessary to my happiness."

You go, Elsa. I think I would have liked you.

Love,
Julie