Anne Boleyn....we're ready for your close-up

Dear Julie,

I was in a store last night and I happened past those Willow Tree figurines. I prolly wouldn't give them much of a glance any other time, but since the (still) MIA Baby Jesus is a Willow Tree product, the display caught my eye. I fell out laughing when I saw this figurine. Perhaps this particular figurine will be a hot-seller amongst the Henry VIII afficianados out there. (Just as an aside...I think having my head chopped off by a dull axe would be way down on my Preferred Modes of Death list...)

I checked the Willow Tree website, by the way. It doesn't appear that you can buy a replacement Jesus. You can, however, buy walls for your nativity set.

What's the meaning of Christmas, Charlie Brown???

So thankful I have a camera phone,
Karen

Here's A Switch

Dear Karen-

So normally, we don't have a lotta love for the post office, right? Well today I just discovered the joy of buying stamps online! Who knew? I knew you could do your own postage labels if you had the proper scale and all, but just plain old stamps? Heck yes, I'll pay shipping for stamps! If it saves me from having to actually take my children into the post office...absolutely.

I am going to attempt to do some Christmas cards this weekend, so I figure by the time I get them finished, the stamps should be here. I quite liked the traditional Madonna and Child stamps, but then I saw these and knew it was fate:

You may have something with your chocolate/smoke break concept, though I'm not sure it would be quite as effective for someone like me, who is at home all day. Could be worth a try, though.

And just fyi, don't go to Target on Fridays during the month of December. I'm sure it's worse on weekends, but probably not by much.

When Christmas Explodes....and....Chocolates & Cigarettes

Dear Julie,

Remember how I was lamenting about my lack of Christmas cheer earlier in the week? I was assaulted by it this morning when I walked into our office on the Chicago campus. Someone apparently hijacked the floor and turned it into some kind of Christmas extravaganza. There are Christmasy things everywhere you look. And by Christmasy things, of course I mean crap. The only thing missing is the partridge and the pear tree (okay, two things). Here's the ironic bit: we have several Jewish employees and not a single dreidel or menorah in sight. I think we should all be representin' on this one.

I had a scathingly brilliant idea today. I was walking from my hotel to the office and I passed a woman who was shivering in the cold as she smoked a cigarette. So here's a thought for you: what if we had to go outside to eat chocolate??? We could eat as much and as often as we wanted, but we would have to go outside (regardless of the weather) and stand there while we consumed our chocolately vice. In the summer, we would stand there for all the world to see. And in the winter, we would stand there struggling to unwrap the foil-covered Kisses with our shaking, gloved fingers. Do you think this would change our chocolate consumption???

I'll leave you with that thought.

Love,
Karen

December?!

Dear Julie --

I can't believe we haven't written to each other since September. That's crazy! So tonight, as I stall longer trying to avoid putting up the Christmas tree alone, I thought it was time to get back into the habit.

I'm feeling kinda like Charlie Brown with this whole Christmas thing. I need an infusion of Christmas cheer. Barring any actual Christmas cheer, I would be willing to settle for an infusion of Mom's Christmas fudge. It certainly doesn't help matters that the Baby Jesus is permanently MIA from the nativity set. That just doesn't bode well, does it?

I've been on a mad cleaning tear this weekend. It feels really good to look around & not see cobwebs so thick they look like cotton balls. How on earth did it get so out of control? Oh yeah....all that traveling this year. But I've got enough shampoo samples that I could wash the hair of every child in Calcutta. (On second thought...maybe the adults -- none of the samples are tear-free.)

I've decided that perhaps I need a Dirt Devil. There's really not much joy in that kind of purchase. I'd much rather buy shoes or a handbag...

I hope you've had a good weekend. Tell the Sidekicks that Auntie Karen said hi.

Blog on, Garth.

Love,
Karen

PS: Here is an updated picture.

New Dawg, Oddities and Questions

Dear Karen-

Before I get to the football thing, I have a few things to throw out there. First, I think you should be aware that your nephew seems to be following in his sister's footsteps. Not quite to the same whole-immersion degree, but still...we have a new dawg in the family. His name is Sniffle (doesn't it just subliminally imply that you need to keep a kleenex handy?) and I'm pleased to say that he's nearly housebroken.

Next, a question: do mothers of small children the world over suffer the same lack of privacy in the bathroom? or is it just me? So this evening, I'm in the bathroom doing the same things that all of us do in the bathroom...and in comes Ethan with a small bowl and a box of crackers. He wanted help pouring them in. Now, bear in mind that his father was in the living room (which, as you recall, is much nearer to where the crackers are kept), but yet Ethan chose to bring them to the BATHROOM for me to deal with it. And lest anyone say I should have a lock on the bathroom door (don't think I haven't already thought of that), it wouldn't matter. They would simply yell to me through the door instead.

Now, about this football thing. You may be surprised to learn that I was just thinking earlier this week that if anyone could convert me to football, it would be you and Curtis. Heck, it worked with college hoops, right? Why not football? I will admit right off the bat...football has always seemed awfully start-stop-start-stop to me. Perhaps Football for Dummies might help.

The sad thing is that I don't even know who Your Team is. So...who's your fave? I think the first step for me would have to be to be presented with which team I should support and why. Once I give it a try and formulate my own opinions, I could then decide if I still wished to support said team or drop them like a hot potato and focus my energies on another one. I don't feel any particular affiliation or affection with the Titans, so don't feel tied to them on my account just because I live here.

And really...I think Faith Hill should have chosen to lip-sync tonight. Just sayin.

Love,
Julie

Are You Ready for Some Football?!

Dear Julie,

It's here! It's finally here!!! Today is the offical Kick Off Day for the 2007-2008 NFL (that's National Football League) schedule!!! This is almost better than Christmas. Definitely better than Flag Day, Arbor Day & Check-Your-Cubicle-Mate-for-Head-Lice Day combined. I actually blocked my work calendar months ago and designated September 6 as an offial "no travel" day for me so that I wouldn't even have the possibility of traveling tonight. It's also been sitting on my FranklinCovey planner for months ("NFL Opener!") like a shining beacon of hope.

I wonder if I need a VY Fathead? You DO know who VY is, dontcha? You live in Nashville, TN. You gotta know who VY is.

So, here's the The Big Question! (Click on the link to the left.) Well...are you??? Colts vs. Saints @ 7:30 PM/CST. I think I'll take a nap so I'm fresh for the game. Ooooo - I just got goose bumps!!! (I love that because they feel like a football.)

C'mon, catch the football fever! I'll loan you my Football for Dummies. I'll teach you the lingo. We'll bond over brats & beer. You will like it, Sam I am.

Love,
Karen

25 Most Influential People of the Past 25 Years

Dear Julie,

I woke up this morning listening to Mike & Mike in the Morning, as I do day every weekday morning. Greenie (Mike Greenberg -- the Metrosexual Mike) was quizzing Golic (Mike Golic -- the Macho Mike) on who made the USA Today's list of Most Influential People of the Past 25 Years. Now granted, these lists are always controversial. But this list is ridonculous.

Let's take a look at some of the names on this list, shall we?

#1: Bill Gates. Okay, I'll buy him on that list. Let's just hope his haircut isn't influential.

#2: Ronald Regan. Helping end the Cold War is impressive. I guess we're erasing "Bedtime for Bonzo" from his legacy.

#3: Oprah Winfrey. She's the only person who appears on her magazine cover and she has more money than God.

#4 & 5: Francis Collins & J. Craig Venter, mappers of the human genome. I bet these guys are seething over their placement behind a talk show hostess. (Sadly for American education, there was a question on M&M about whether or not this was in any way related to Gnomes.)

#6: Osama Bin Laden. I guess one can be a horrific influence.

#7: Stephen Hawking. Do you ever wonder if people just assume he's brilliant because they don't have clue what he's talking about?

#8: Lance Armstrong. Uh, he rides a bike & hangs out what that creepy Matthew McConaughey.

#9: Pope John Paul II. USA Today is going straight to hell. The Pope behind a talk show hostess???

#10: Bono. Yes, Bono.

#11: Mikhail Gorbachev. You end Communism and still end up behind a talk show hostess & a scruffy singer.

#12 & 13: Sergey Brin & Larry Page, co-founders of Google. Well, they actually have improved the quality of my life significantly. More so than Stephen Hawking.

Other notables....

#18: Howard Schultz, Starbucks entrepreneur. All hail the Coffee God. Liquid crack-rock for the mobile masses.

#20: J.K. Rowling, author. Great proponent of literacy? Yes. Most influential in the past quarter century? I think not.

Why do I even bother with these stupid lists??? Have a good day, Chicken.

Love,
Karen

Shameful

Dear Julie,

In true Labor Day fashion, I'm eschewing labor altogether. I went to Mom & Dad's yesterday with a three-fold purpose:

1) To retrieve Beloved Pearl (who is now quiet as a mouse after a new muffler)
2) To make Mom's nametags (okay, so a little bit of labor...)
3) To take the little girls to a movie

You know I saw Halloween on Friday night (it was truly dreadful, but no, that's not the shameful bit). But yesterday, I paid hard-earned money to see Daddy Day Camp. I'm quite certain that Sony Pictures showed Cuba Gooding, Jr. the money. That's the only plausible explanation for his presence in this horrible movie. He's a great actor and he chose this??? Shameful, Cuba -- SHAMEFUL. The only thing good about this expedition was that only 8 other people were in the theater with us. I want a refund.

Oh! We turned on the Jerry Lewis Telethon for a minute before I left Mom & Dad's last night. Jerry Lewis IS still alive & he actually looks pretty good. He wasn't nearly as puffy. I wish I could report the same thing about me...(sigh)

Happy Labor Day, Chicken.
Love,
Karen

Good Intentions....and Bacon

Dear Julie,

I see your good intentions and raise you...fantasies. People talk alot about their dreams, but if they never put any feet to them (in other words, if they never have a plan or set any goals to achieve their dreams), all they really have are fantasies. And that's fine if you want to live on Fantasy Island. But I don't want to live there. I want to live in Reality.

Now, as for the "Good Enough Police," I think we're meant to police ourselves. The trick is demanding enough, but not too much of ourselves. Brent used to frame it in terms of "just barely." He would say he wanted to give me something that I could do, but just barely. In other words...stretch, but don't break. I like that idea.

Trust me, you're not alone in pondering these things. But remember, at some point planning (or dreaming) has to degenerate into work (another great Brent saying!).

On my own unrelated note...I was on the interstate the other day and I passed a truck loaded with pigs. I didn't think "Lawd, those are some smelly pigs." Nor did I think "Look at how adorable their velvety pink noses are." No, my only thought was "Man, do I love me some bacon." Does that alarm you at all? I'm so glad I'm not Jewish. I'd never pass the bacon test.

Love,
Karen

Good Intentions

Dear Karen-

Yeah. Good intentions. I have so many and yet I often begin to wonder if they are just pipe dreams. Do you ever feel that way? So many things that I want/need/ought to do...but I think I get so afraid that whatever I do won't be "good enough" (who polices that, anyway?) that I simply do nothing instead. I don't like to talk about it, really, but I'm watching one of our favorite movies and of course it deals heavily with this issue.

I want to be like Tracy, or like the new-lease-on-life Edna...I think I've got that inside somewhere. Unfortunately, the pathetic wallflower voice inside sometimes speaks a bit louder in my mind.

I'm sure it sounds like I'm all "po', po', pitiful me" or just plain depressed and I'm really not...I'm just pondering these things. I feel like I'm on the cusp of big changes and I want them to be for the better. OK, with the upcoming move and all it's not so much a feeling - but there are some changes that need to be made whether I'm moving or not.

Does any of this make any sense?

On a completely different note, you really must look at this - but I warn you, don't have a drink in your mouth when you do.

Love,
Julie

Better The String Than The Hair

Dear Karen-

So does "cut the string" refer to the string you had to pull to make the doll talk? Better to cut that than the doll's hair, I say. Haven't we all taken scissors to some poor, unsuspecting doll's hair at some point? Bless their little plastic hearts.

Speaking of hair, mine has turned horrible all of a sudden. I don't know if it's stress, the weather, my constant hat-wearing or some combination of all of those things, but it just won't do anything. I've got a ridiculous amount of baby hairs in my part and since they all appear to be coarse and wiry, I haven't got a hope in the world. I'd have a nice selection of hats if the weather wasn't so horribly hot. Remind me never to move to Arizona.

So we are now in the Constant Vigilance stage of home showing readiness. I don't like it much. I am quite ready for someone to make an offer RIGHTNOW. Apparently we do have someone who is interested, but he had to go out of town today and won't be back until the first week of September. However, he's interested enough that if someone else makes an offer before then, he wants to be notified. I think that's a good sign. I'd think it was a better sign if he'd signed papers for an offer before he left town, but what are you gonna do?

Oh, by the way, your birthday present probably won't be there by your actual birthday - but look for it next week!

Love,
Julie

P.S. I finally broke down and bought myself Croc sandals like yours, except all black. Now my feet are happy.

Cut the String

Dear Julie,

It's been way too long since my last letter. I offer a simple explanation: I am a SLUG.

I watched the John Cusack movie "Gross Pointe Blank" this weekend. Overall, it was pretty funny (in a dark comedy kinda way). But the best part was the line, "Okay Chatty Cathy, cut the string." Of course several people immediately flashed into my head (Chatty Cathys every one). But here's the question: would the chattiest of Cathys even get the reference??? (Do YOU get the reference to the string, Young Chicken???)

The Traveling Gnome has been grounded!!! I am enjoying home & hearth these days. (Insert Snoopy Dance here.)

Pondering quietly (without Cathy chattering endlessly in the background),
Karen

Routine

Dear Karen-

Why is it so hard to get back into a routine once one has been out of it? We seem to crave routine, or predictability, so why do some of us struggle with it so much?

Returning home from vacation was bittersweet, of course. I could have done with another week at the lake, but instead had to settle for hot and muggy Branson instead. In some ways I was quite ready to come home. That first week post-vacation is a bit of a let-down, though, isn't it? Dinner doesn't just magically appear, clothes have to be washed, the kids are suddenly without playmates...REALITY.

Ick.

In order to help a bit, we have started a new routine. Its name is Kindergarten. Yes indeedy, we are now a homeschool family. I had planned to wait until we move and get settled in Charlotte, but since we still don't know for sure when that will be, I thought it might help to go ahead and take action now. Natalie enjoys it and Ethan has been sitting at the table with us, too. Most days, we can be finished in two hours or less (usually less), but I know that will change as we get further along in the curriculum. I know it will never be an all-day affair for Kindergarten and the nice part is that we can be as flexible as we need to be since legally, Natalie doesn't have to be anywhere until she is seven.

It amuses me, the things we are studying. We cover the basics, yes, but the Calvert curriculum doesn't focus too much on learning to write in Kindergarten. Instead, we talk about things like commuter trains and opthamologists!

So how is your routine these days?

Love,
Julie

Live from the Front Lines

Hey, Chicken --

Time to get back to our letter-writing campaign. Vacation was fun (even though your son did break my nose in two places). I made it through the week without any TV (well, except when Dad tried to make us watch regular - aka, non-cable - snowy TV stations on his little B&W hand-held TV) and my viewing habits have changed drastically since I've been home.

I'm excited to report that I will only be in Chicago about 18 hours this week! (This is actually big progress.) Quick trip up & back with a little deposit of Hilton Honors points. What I'll do with these HH points, I have no idea. I wonder if I could sell them on eBay? Or perhaps I can just keep wracking 'em up and take a month-long vacation in 5 years. Time will tell (she says, sounding suspiciously like an Eight-Ball).

I went to the grocery store this weekend and bought proper cooking ingredients! I haven't actually cooked, mind you...but I COULD cook if the mood struck me just right.

Can't wait to see a picture of darling Natalie without her "woogly" tooth!

Love,
Karen

I'm Home!

Dear Karen-

I don't really have anything witty to say...just wanted to say that I'm home at last!

Love,
Julie

Button Button, Who's Got the Button?

Dear Julie,

Apparently I'VE got the button. Three, to be exact. Yesterday, whilst doing mounds & mounds of laundry, 3 tan buttons of unknown origin appeared in the dryer. This concerns me. But at least all the socks are present & accounted for.

Fresh & clean,
Karen

LOL, for reals

Dear Karen-

I really cannot top that last picture you shared. Yet another priceless example of why I need a camera phone. However, viewing that picture was actually a case of LOL. I really, truly was LOL!

While you've been off in such exotic places as Chicago and Kankakee, I've been trapped in the house, going through more stuff than anyone should ever have in their 1250 square-foot house and full basement. At one point last week there were 16 bags of trash in my kitchen. Sixteen. I really think that's about 15.5 bags of trash too many in one's kitchen. Thankfully, they have since been hauled off to the dump. Sadly, there will soon be another load that will need to go to the dump. That's the trouble with automated trash trucks...we can't put out extra bags. It all has to fit in the trashcan.

I'm pretty much finished with the upstairs, so that's a relief. We had the Salvation Army take away our entertainment center. As you know, it was nothing special - and since our new TV has dvd/vcr built in, there's no need to keep those players. Instead, our TV now sits on a very lovely mission-style table that we found at Target. We even got the matching end table to replace the old glass-topped table we had. Over the weekend, I pressure-washed the house while Greg worked on removing the stump of the huge crepe myrtle that was in the front yard. It's a pity you probably won't see this house again - you'd hardly recognize it now.

Today I need to make yet another run to Goodwill but I'm not sure I can summon the energy to load everything into the car. Goodwill will still be there tomorrow, right?

Love,
Your tired sister

Toilet Truck

Hey, Julie --

Remember that post where you said you wished you had a camera phone so you could have taken a picture of the people hauling junk for Jesus? That reminded me of a picture a friend sent me recently. See why?!

Love you!
Karen

LQTM

Dear Julie,

I learned a new online chat acronym this week: LQTM. "Laughing Quietly To Myself." A more accurate representation of the human response to funny things seen on the interweb. When people type LOL, rarely are they laughing aloud for the whole world to hear, but merely smiling and laughing quietly to themselves."

I liked this because as they pointed out, I am rarely LOLing when I read something online. Usually I'm just smiling or laughing quietly to myself.

I heart accuracy in language.

Love,
Your Sister

All Tired, All the Time

Dear Julie,

I'm sitting in the Executive Lounge at my hotel, eatin shrumps. The way I reckon it...it's like a mini-dinner for free! But it's making me think of Bridget Jones' Diary because last night there were little finger sammiches with a toothpick in them and they were topped by mini-gherkins. Tonight there are little triangle, crustless sammiches with toothpicks in them, topped by sliced green olives. Very old-school.

I'm tired of traveling. It might be better if I actually got to go somewhere different sometimes. But I'm tired of Chicago & Kankakee all the time. I'm tired of having one, and sometimes two, unpacked bags littering my bedroom. I'm tired of travel-sized soap. I'm tired of scratchy sheets & feather pillows. I'm tired of rental cars that smell like deodorizer. I'm tired of handing out single dollar bills to doormen like they were strippers. I'm TIRED, I tell you!

Okay, I feel better now. Just needed to get that off my chest. I would like to go swimming now. (But alas, no pool at this business-class hotel...SIGH)

Grumpy,
Karen

Your Long-Lost Sister

Hey, Chicken --

It's me. Your long-lost sister. The Traveling Gnome. If we were in a soap opera, I would reappear at the most suspicious or inconvenient time possible for you. For example....I might resurface right as you were preparing for your lavish wedding to a handsome millionaire and try to steal him from you. Or....I might show up the day our inheritance is due to be parceled out, dashing your hopes of claiming everything yourself.

I just got back from Chicago today; tomorrow (Friday) I am going to your Mother's house where we shall watch Shrek III and eat Skittles at the Surf Club. I'll spend the night and then go back to Chicago on Sunday for another 4 days. See previous reference to Traveling Gnome.

I'm out of tissues. You know how I feel about running out of things. But I'm happy to report that I'm good on toilet paper.

Must watch basketball now. How's the cleaning going?

Love,
Karen

Memories

Dear Karen-

Hey...remember this??
What was I, like 3 years old, when I had this hat? Weirdly enough, it still fits.

Pardon me while I go ponder the fact that I must have had a giant melon head as a child.

Love,
Julie

You Need a Prescription For It

Dear Karen-

Remember that episode of Raymond when Ray brings up Debra's PMS and tries to help? And remember how she gets upset and yells about how it takes a prescription for a certain symptom...you know, the one the rhymes with twitchy? Yeah. That's where I was last week. One big emotional time bomb. Yikes. Thankfully, my hormones seem to have returned to their normal range and I'm a much more pleasant person to be around, I'm sure.

Last week brought yet another moment when I cursed not having a camera phone. I was sitting in the McDonald's drive-thru when I saw a truck with a trailer parked in the back of the lot. There was a whole lotta stuff in the trailer. Then I noticed the small sign on the truck:

Berwin's
Hauling - Junking - Towing
For Jesus
615-XXX-XXXX

At least they have purpose.

Love,
Julie

Not Funny

Dear Karen-

Neither of us has posted in a few days, and I have to be honest here. I got nuthin'. No witticisms, no clever remarks, no funny links, nada. In fact, at the moment, I'm feeling a lot of angst over the whole moving issue - not about moving, more about when it will ever happen. I'm feeling overwhelmed with all that needs to be done in this house and I would be quite happy to just hand it off exactly as is, minus our clothes, furniture and crafting supplies.

Here's hoping your outlook's a bit brighter than mine.

Love,
Julie

Brownies on a Plane

Dear Julie,

I spent 36 hours traveling for a 2.5 hour meeting in Phoenix (sandwiched in the middle seat, which I suspect is akin to purgatory). The flights were uneventful, expect for one odd event. On the flight from Altanta to Phoenix, a kind looking gentleman (probably in his early- to mid-50s) got up and started passing out brownines to the rows adjacent to his. I thought this was interesting and assumed they were all traveling together. But then he started to make his way toward the back of the plane. He stopped at every row, offering everyone brownies. People actually accepted his offer and he ran out of brownies. So what did he do? He went back to his seat, pulled out another container full of brownies, and proceeded to bestow brownies on the rest of the plane. Why do you suppose he had two containers full of brownies, anyway? Most perplexing...

Knowing me as you do, you know I didn't take a brownie. They were not hermetically sealed individually for safety and every grimey little hand that went into the container to retrieve a brownie just increased the odds of putting me in a bubble.

Grounded,
Karen

Did you slip me some Kool-Aid?

Dear Karen-

See what you have done to me?? Things to do (some of which are already checked off)...exercise as an actual scheduled appointment??

OK, OK...I did accept the Planner willingly. Eagerly, even, if I'm honest. I'm finding that it really does help keep me on track and I have become more productive since I started using it. I feel such freedom writing things down in my planner and not having to try to keep it all straight in my head! It may even help with some of my fitness goals, too, as I'm finding that I do tend to make myself go exercise if I have scheduled it into my day.

I do need to get back to my Values activities. I haven't finished those yet. Apparently I need to schedule time to do it and write it down.

Love,
Julie

Hello Mortification, my old friend.

Dear Karen-

All weekend I've been pondering the syntax of the idea I want to convey. The irony is that I think each version is just as applicable as the next.

Unfortunately, I caught a mortifying glimpse of my side fat rolls while getting dressed on Friday.

I caught an unfortunately mortifying glimpse of my side fat rolls while getting dressed on Friday.

I caught a mortifying glimpse of my unfortunate side fat rolls while getting dressed on Friday.

See? Each one equally as mortifying as the next. I am the walrus.

Pardon me while I heft my enormous girth into the other room now.

Love,
The Walrus

Good grief!

Dear Julie --

That last letter was distressing. I'm so glad you provided the link to Golgotha Biblical Mini-Golf, otherwise I would have accused you of making up such a wicked story. This is simply appalling!!! "Offbeat diversion" indeed. What's next? The Last Supper Drive-Thru ("I'll take a Judas burger with a side of betrayal and a Hershey's Kiss sundae")?

Pondering vacation options,
Karen

Oh No They Di'nt.

This really must be seen to be believed.

And I really do agree with the question posed in the feature: "how come no one ever builds an Islamic Jihad Mini-Golf?"

I Killed a Stress Ball Today

Dear Julie,

Love the polarized sunglasses. You go, girl! Now you can actually open your eyes all the way outside, which incidentally will help fight the appearance of fine lines and aging.

I ruptured a stress ball today in a Leadership Team meeting. I'm not really sure what that means, but I don't think it's a very good sign. I was sitting there squeezing furiously and all of a sudden, it broke open and spewed the liquid all over my shirt (my periwinkle blue Fresh Produce shirt, no less). I just sat there, stunned. It was like a scene from a horror movie (except getting drenched in stress ball juice was the extent of the horror). And then I began to laugh hysterically. I was excused to go change my clothes, but it kept us laughing all day. I wish you could have seen it!

Love,
Karen

PS: I was just looking closer at the picture you posted -- you're not gonna believe this, but I wore the very same earrings today!!! Jinxy.

$98 of Polarized Bliss

Dear Karen-

I finally bit the bullet and got prescription sunglasses today. Perhaps one day I'll be able to go back to wearing contacts again...I don't know. But enough with the suffering in sunlight already. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. The irony is that my customized-to-my-vision-needs glasses were far cheaper than the sunglasses my husband buys off the rack.

Here's to polarized lenses.

Love,
Julie

If Only I Had a Camera Phone

You know I yearn for a camera phone. And Friday night just proved the point that I really NEED one. Yes, need. We were on our way to our favorite local Mexican restaurant when my keen little eye spotted the most interesting van off to the right. It was a basic white van, but had the word POSEIDON emblazoned across the sides. Certainly eye-catching. But what intrigued me more was their phone number. As you can see in the above image from the Poseidon Seafood website, it's a basic 800-number, right? Well, what it wasn't quite the same on their van. Going for full eye-catching appeal, 1-800-333-2529 also translates to...

1-800-333-CLAW.

I really need that camera phone.

Hitchcock was on to something with "The Birds"

Dear Julie,

I'm sitting here watching basketball and I was thinking about birds. Or more specifically, house birds. I have an unnatural aversion to birds as pets. They are dirty and loud and they make a huge mess. And after watching Bobby Simone fall prey to some terrible aviary disease on NYPD Blue back in the day....I'm dead-set against pet birds. The Avian Bird Flu (just waiting to call it a pandemic) has certainly done nothing to change my position on house birds.

I saw a dead bird on Green Street last week. It was bright blue and incredibly creepy looking. I gave him a very wide berth and used hand sanitizer upon returning to my office.

May the bluebird of happiness never fly in your open window.

Love,
Karen

Socks on a Train

Dear Julie,

I'm still in Chicago. I watched a pay-per-view movie in the hotel today: Breach. It was about spys and selling secrets, so I was expecting at least a little intrigue. The only real intrigue was how they managed to strip out all of the intrigue from an espionage-type movie. I mean really, I just don't get it. Where's the fun in that? But it was still better than last week's Snakes on a Plane.

I spent the day with Lois and her darling kidlettes yesterday. We had a great visit and it was so fun to get reacquainted with Jacob & Hannah. They are adorable and Lois is an amazing Mom. I took the Metra train out to the suburbs and it was quite pleasant. I grooved to my iPod the whole way. There was an older gentleman sitting across the aisle from me. He had long gray hair pulled into a bushy ponytail and was wearing Birkenstocks with what I suspected were hand-knitted socks. The pattern was very interesting and I tried to take a stealth picture of them, but he was just a little too far away. I had an internal debate going about whether or not to just ask him if I could take a picture of his interesting socks, but he was pretty granola and I was afraid I might actually trigger a conversation if I did that and mostly I just wanted to be solitary (listening to The Girl From Ipanema). He got off at the Lombard station and that was that.

Hey, I saw the pix of the slugs on your Knitting Savant blog. Too cool! Did you round up the kids to go have a look-see?

Tomorrow evening I'm off to Kankakee for the rest of the week. I've had several people who were aghast that I wasn't with our Mother on Mother's Day. Funny thing....these same people were completely nonplussed when I told them that she was at DisneyWorld with me.

Gotta go watch sports (Jazz @ Golden State, to be exact).

Love,
Karen

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Dear Karen-

I'll admit it. I've been Grumpzilla the past few days, what with the combination of the cold and the lack of sleep. Then I was up for a few hours in the night last night with Natalie, who had an upset stomach. So let's just say that my attitude has been less than stellar.

Leave it to a 3-year-old to hit the nail right on the head. This afternoon Ethan looked at me and said, "Maybe 'morrow you should exercise to get some those fussies out of you."

Ahem. Point taken.

However, this is what happens when said exhausted 3-year-old finally slows down.

Love,
Grumpzilla

Blisters Trump Sinus Cavities

Dear Julie,

I see your cold and raise you a blister. It's not just any blister, mind you. It's a Sandal Blister. Right on the top of my foot. YOUCH. I was wondering this morning while doing my hair just how long it would take a person to die from an infected blister. That would be a horrible way to go.

Believe it or don't...I have been contemplating a neti pot of my own. (Just proving your assertion that we are so similar, yet so different.) My beloved hairdresser Jean recommended one some time ago. Jean (God love her) is pretty granola, so I was somewhat dubious. But then one of my colleagues from the Chicago campus was recently extolling the virtures of a neti pot and he's the antithesis of granola. I'm very concerned about the mechanics of it, though. It would be much better if I had a trusted, loved one to help flood my sinus cavities with saline. Did you make your own solution with salt or did you pony up for some pricey Dead Sea Salt solution? I think I'll wait to see how profound the changes are in your sinus cavities before I actually take the plunge. Please keep me posted.

I had an eggsalad sammich on white bread for lunch today. Very old school. I never buy white bread. It's a little scary waaaaay out here on the edge!

Laundry tonight. Dangerously close to the lesser panties and I'm fixinta leave town for 8 days. Hey, remember that picture of the underpants-shaped cheese? You should add it to this post!

Love,
Your sister

Always Finding a New Low

Dear Karen-

My, your hair looked lovely yesterday. So sorry to hear of your post office woes. I seem to have a love-hate relationship with the post office myself, so I can relate. Perhaps you should suggest to your local branch that they should look into a Seven Habits class.

I have a bit of a cold. It doesn't seem to be progressing into a sinus infection, so I'm thankful for that. Back in the day, my colds always did and I seem to be past that. Even so, this cold is just enough to make me feel icky. My ears are stuffy, my nose is stuffy, I'm sneezing and my eyes are running. I haven't taken any cold meds because they usually don't do much to make me feel better. However, I did make a trip to Walgreen's yesterday to purchase this:
That would be the SinuCleanse System. I'm not sure if I've sunk to a new low or if I've become so enlightened that I'm pushing the boundaries of traditional medicine. I do know that Oprah's good friend, Dr. Oz, highly recommends using this sort of thing.

I know several people who swear by nasal cleansing and they have all experienced a decrease in the number of colds, sinus infections and allergy issues since they started using the neti pot. I watched the video on the website a few times and wondered if I could really bring myself to do it. But I was feeling very brave (and stuffy) yesterday, so I decided to go for it.

Yes, the first time was as icky as I thought it would be. But I survived and my head did feel better yesterday afternoon. After doing a bit more reading on the SinuCleanse site, I realized that my head probably wasn't positioned quite right. So, armed with that information, I decided to try again before bed and after a few minor corrections, it was much less disgusting that time.

So there you have it. Do you think less of me?

Love,
Julie

Good Hair Day!

USPS: The Evil Empire?

Dear Julie,

Horrible experience with the US Postal Service today. And of course a giant line queued up behind me as I worked with the USPS lackey to seek first to understand, then be understood, which of course is Habit 5 of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It would have worked better if the USPS lackey had gone to the 7 Habits class, too. I think I need to go watch some fish swim around (calming).

Have a good day.
Love,
Your Sister

Ahh, Technology

Dear Karen-

I woke up this morning (much too early and not of my own free will, mind you) and realized that I could give your beloved Mikes a try, since you so graciously provided me with the local station info. Conveniently, there is a "Listen Live Now" option on their website, so settled in to hear the last hour of the Mikes. When the feed picked up, it was in the middle of a commercial - no big surprise. Then another commercial - again, no big surprise. Then like 5 more commercials. OK, now you're just wasting my time. Then I started to hear voices that did NOT sound like a commercial so I started paying attention again. However, I only heard about 30 seconds of them before another commercial interrupted a Mike mid-sentence. And not just any commercial...but the same commercial that was on when I started listening! followed by the same set of commercials I heard when I first tuned in!!

Much consternation ensued.

I stopped the feed, looked online to see if there were any other options for places I could listen live but ended up back at the same local station's website. For your sake, dear sister, I persevered and tried again. This time, no string of endless commercials! And the Mikes were talking! Taking calls, even. Then I realized that the callers were talking much more than either Mike, which decreased my interest level quite a bit. Also adding to my troubles was the fact that every second or third word cut out.

I shall try again tomorrow.

On a completely different note, I cleaned out the cabinet in the bathroom yesterday. You know...the one most women have to house various hair and beauty products...also the one where said hair and beauty products seem to reproduce at an alarming rate. With our recent Bare Minerals makeovers and cosmetics acquisitions, I needed to get rid of some things in order for my new beauty regime to fit in the cabinet. I hadn't really looked in that cabinet for quite some time - at least not a good thorough look, where you move things around and see what's lurking in the back.

I was amazed (and yet not) at the amount of old product (both hair and makeup) that I was able to throw out. Why do we keep it all? Have I really deluded myself into thinking I'm going to use that eyeshadow I bought three years ago that I never really liked in the first place? Anyway, I cleaned out the cabinet and now my new (and much better) products have a home.

How's it going with the eye shadow application, by the way?

Love,
Julie

P.S. I think Rainman made Mom nervous.

Rebuttal

Dear Julie,

You are being purposely obtuse. What you fail to understand is that Mike & Mike, while operating under the guise of sports, are truly entertainers. As I recall, you listen to those car guys on the radio (which I find utterly inconceivable, by the way). And honestly, do you know anything about the workings of a motor vehicle? This only reinforces my original supposition that if you would just try Mike & Mike, you would like them (Sam I am).

ESPN2....5 AM - 9 AM Central Time. WNFN-FM 106.7 in Nashville.

Why does Mom hate Rainman so much, anyway?

Love,
Karen

"I'm a Very Good Driver."

Dear Karen-

Just call me Raymond. A Knitting Savant, you say? I don't find that inflammatory, denigrating or derogatory, although it does imply that I have a certain lack of social skills. I'm not sure the comparison really holds true, though. For instance, I may know how many yards are in a skein of Trekking XXL sock yarn (459 yds, by the way), but if I were to drop all of my double-pointed needles on the floor, I would have no idea how many there were. I suppose I did take to knitting like a duck takes to water (who came up with that saying, anyway?), but I still hold that it is an acquired skill that anyone can learn - not an inherent talent. I just happen to have a very high interest in it, which leads me to keep trying new techniques - whereas the average casual knitter may simply never reach that level of obsession.

Now, I do have something to say about this whole Mike & Mike thing. I'm not opposed to watching or listening to them - it's just that I would be hopelessly lost since I don't follow enough sports to know what they are talking about...unless, however, they are actually light on sports conversation and have a liberal sprinkling of other random topics. But your comment that it wouldn't kill me to watch, because you watch me knit...well...I think you're comparing apples to oranges. Let me explain.

A more accurate comparison would be "it wouldn't kill you to watch a football game...after all, I watch you knit." Implying that I should watch Mike & Mike because you watch me knit would be like me telling you that you should listen to Brenda Dayne because I like college basketball. Listening to commentators implies that you have at least a basic knowledge of what they are talking about. Since I really only follow college basketball, I'm not sure how much pleasure I would derive from Mike & Mike.

Thoughts?

Love,
Julie

Mrs. Einstein, SoaP, Manicures, Interventions & ESPN

Dear Julie,

I can't believe you started out our correspondence with Albert Einstein. Talk about setting a high bar. Especially after my mental highlight from yesterday was watching the very bad, but aptly-named movie, Snakes on a Plane movie starring the talented Samuel L. Jackson. Anyway...I agree with your closing thought. I would have liked Mrs. Einstein, too. But honestly, don't you wonder if she truly loved Albert? Do you really think she would have let him leave the house with that hair if she truly loved him? I'm thinking she might have had some passive-agressive thing goin' on. "Albert, E might well equal MC(squared), but would you just empty the trash already?"

I went for a manicure last week. At a professional salon and everything. And I was immediately reminded why I do my own manicure. The polish job was simply dreadful. It looked like a crack-head with the shakes did my nails. So what was my response? Why, I paid the bill -- including a tip -- of course, and then went home that evening and re-did the polish myself. Why did I do that? Why didn't I walk up to the salon manager, hold up my grotesquely-polished nails and give her that you've-gotta-be-kiddin-me look? (Excuse me while i got beat myself up for being so spineless.) So...morale of the story: if you want something done right, just do it yourself. Unless it's cooking-related. Then by all means, outsource.

I described you yesterday as a Knitting Savant. Is that imflammatory, denigrating, or derogatory in any way? I hope not. You know I have high regard for your knitting prowess. (But if, on my next visit, I see a herd of naked sheep grazing peacefully in your backyard, I will be forced to do an intervention and you know it will be filmed and aired on that new reality Intervention show on A&E -- which I am delighted to report I have not added to my roster of must-see reality shows.)

I know this holds no interest for you, but Mike & Mike in the Morning moved into their new studio on ESPN Radio/ESPN2 this morning. It's so weird not to see them in a cramped space with cardboard cutouts & various knick-knacks strewn about the studio. You know that I wake up with them every morning. I think you would like them if you would only try them (a la Green Eggs & Ham). It wouldn't kill you to watch them just once, would it? After all, I watch you knit.

Have a good day, Chicken.

Love you.
Karen

P.S. - I did not dream about snakes OR planes last night.

Just the Two of Us

Karen and Julie.

An Elsa After My Own Heart

Dear Karen,

So I was spending some quality time with the new issue of the Digest when I stumbled across an interesting article on Einstein. I believe it was taken from the book Einstein: His Life and Universe by Walter Isaacson. (No, I'm not so well-versed in Einstein literature to just know that...it said so, right there on the page.) I was particularly interested in the article because of our recent foray to the Planetarium. Remember? The one where we decided after the fact that we weren't smart enough to have watched that movie about black holes? All that talk about Einstein and they never did clarify if his concepts were really verified or not...again, I assume that they were - after all, it was Einstein - but you just never know, eh?

I digress.

So I'm reading this article and rolling my eyes at the fact that Einstein "was overcome with happiness" when he succeeded at algebra. Heck, I woulda been too, had I ever succeeded at algebra. I woulda been all kinds of happy. But then I keep reading and they mention that at a press conference in the US in 1921, a reporter happened to ask Einstein's wife, Elsa, if she understood her husband's theories about relativity - to which she said,

"Oh no, it is not necessary to my happiness."

You go, Elsa. I think I would have liked you.

Love,
Julie